Most people would find pure jubilation in having a year’s worth of weddings booked; I however am not most people. It’s exciting when your first friends get engaged, it’s even better when your favorite friends get engaged, but it’s damn right rude when every couple you know gets engaged and plans immediate weddings. Doesn’t anyone believe in a long engagement anymore? I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 years and I still plan to have an engagement that is at least a year and half long. Why, you may ask? Well, that’s because I’m a kind, conscientious, caring type of gal and I’m not a spoiled rotten brat.
Now that I’ve subtly told you how I feel, I should probably explain the focus of this posting. Weddings, holiday weekend weddings, holiday weekend weddings at beach resorts, and the Long Island Serial Killer. I should point out that this in its entirety isn’t coming from a dark, sinister place (it just sounds that way) and I actually really do love my friends… I just hate them practically most of the time.
A little bit of history, I grew up in LBI, NJ; a land of sun, fun, teen night & debaucherous adventures. This weekend is Memorial Day weekend, the day LBI comes alive – literally they just turned the traffic lights on today for the first time since September. Although, I loathe the weekends when tourists come around, I desperately miss my gfs & would sit in traffic for months to roll around in the sand with them for a few hours. Whelp, I won’t be doing any of that because I have a wedding. A wedding on Memorial Day (what if I were a veteran?) on Long Island – here is where another level of my annoyance emerges. While usually I’d be pumped to have something else to do which would prevent me from having to make the mecca home to sit in traffic with a bunch of NYers, this is not the case because the wedding is in a beach town all of its own. So now I must sit through rush hour in MD, NJ, & the beautiful state of NY on the Friday of MDW. (Point, my cousin had a wedding 4th of July weekend a few years ago in the Asbury area – equally as rude and shouldn’t be overlooked).
So here I am in Long Island with some people from college, who I can almost guarantee have never had to pay for a damn thing in their entire lives. So I will arrive and be bombarded by a gaggle of men no taller than 5’7” demanding that my boyfriend and I party, do shots & leave settling into the hotel until Sunday morning. I should probably mention that this group of friends is concerned pretty much entirely with themselves and will say “yo man, run back to your room to shower and we’ll wait here” then after we shower and return to our meeting place we’ll realize that as soon as we leave their line of vision they totally forget we exist. Then we’ll be haggled for the rest of the time because “where have we been” and “what? Are we too cool to hang with everyone” Seriously, get a clue!
And the bride and groom, totally acceptable lovely individuals. This is where I force myself to find something wrong with the situation. In this case, it’s the fact that like all of our other friends these two are indeed spoiled rotten. Sure, they actually work and didn’t move home right after college, but did they have to pay for their own place in the city – I doubt it. And did they have to pay for a cent of this wedding – I absolutely doubt it. This makes me bitter for a few reasons, which I will quickly summarize and then move on, I have paid for everything, including my rent since my sophomore year of college, I haven’t lived with mine or anyone else’s parents since I was 18 yrs old in high school, I am being forced to travel to 6 weddings this year – pay for accommodations & a gift, because of this I will probably have to skip my favorite friend’s wedding in Punta Cana, and I’m trying to buy a GD house. Forget the fact that I’ve decided I will never be able to have a wedding of my own because who the hell is going to pay for it? Clearly not my parents and I’m not doing it so it’s settled no wedding for Cortney. So I’m bitter and green with envy – I can admit it.
In my recent wedding rebellion I’ve decided I am in fact not going to this wedding. Sure, I RSVP’d and of course my boyfriend will drag me up to Long Island this Friday, but I have other plans. I have a date with the Long Island Serial Killer. In the past few weeks I’ve taken quite a liking to craigslist and its many scams, all of which seem to come from some man & his wife who live in West African (at least pick a real country buddy, and no that isn’t a typo they said African not Africa). I figure with this new skill I can surely lure him. Also, while running the Ragnar Relay last week I was able to test out just how fast I can run from a serial killer and as long as this guy doesn’t have a 7 min mile, I think I have a pretty good shot. I’m so dedicated to this cause that I’m not even pretending like I’m going to the wedding, I have no dress, no hair style, no nothing and you know why, because I’M NOT GOING!! I’m going to pull out the cheapest looking thing I have (think back to freshman year Halloween as a Fly Girl) and hit the streets or the beach whatever. I’ll get my date nice and liquored up while he’s getting ready and then I’ll just casually step out to the restroom before the ceremony. Next thing anyone knows, they’ve already cut the cake and no one has realized I’m missing.
You may think this scheme is hare-brained or illogical, have no fear I’ll be wearing my roadID, so if my plan doesn’t work out accordingly they’ll be able to easily use my roadID and this posting to figure out who the latest craigslist prostitute (that’s what they think) is. I figure I’ll shoot out a couple of ads this week and then just wait to see what happens on Saturday. I, at some point, should probably map out police stations and other things to figure out where the best place to lure this dude is. Or since it could be someone with law enforcement knowledge, I’ll take a Dexter like approach. Anyway I hold no prisoners so whomever I happen to come across or whoever happens to be walking behind me this weekend is in for quite the situation. I’ll pretty much be a hero to the citizens of NY and then I will use that power to ban them all from travelling to LBI, which will in-turn result in the most fabulous Memorial Days, 4ths of Julys, and Labor Days this girl has ever had.
But, truthfully kids why don’t you consult a calendar before you book a wedding or don’t expect people to come. I literally told my mom when she told me she was getting remarried, “I’m book through 2012”, so what does she do make her wedding the day before my favorite friends! THE DAY BEFORE! So what do I do in return, make her change it. I said until 2012 lady and I meant it, but instead let’s squeeze one more wedding in, don’t worry I can afford useless flights to Georgia, I mean who doesn’t love a town that has its post office in a Sears.
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